Sunday, 20 July 2008

• here
  
  the flesh is weak but he is able . . . .
  
  i have asked for revival, i have prayed for the movement of the holy spirit. i have planned an outreach for the first week of classes known as "incontro" - one which will hopefully bring many into the church and to salvation. i have thought about how awesome it would be if god blessed the outreach and we saw hundreds saved and plugged into local church.
  
  with every thought of how "awesome" it would be . . . i know there is a sacrifice . . . a laying down of my time and energy to pray. i love to pray, but i don't love to intercede. i love to ask god for things, but i don't love to war for the lost. i love to pray when i'm with others, but i don't love to pray alone. i love to pray for half and hour, but i don't love to pray for three hours. i love to pray when i'm awake, but i don't love praying when tired. i love to pray, but i don't love to intercede.
  
  i know it needs to be done. i know that i have to do it. i'm supposed to be a leader . . . and a leader leads by example. but as hard as i try, i can't bring my flesh to be that example. i hate myself for it. as i waste away hour after hour i think "you could be praying, doing what needs to be done, doing what a leader would do." but i don't. i try not to think about it. when i think about it i abhor myself more, because i know it needs to be done - i know there are souls on the line that someone needs to be praying for - but i don't pray.
  
  i know hell is real. i know satan is real. i know spiritual warfare is real. yet, even with all that knowledge i find myself giving more and more time to things that make me "feel" good and less and less time to actual prayer. prayer that goes beyond my wants and needs. prayer that seeks nothing for self, but seeks everything for him. i don't deserve to be called a leader. i'm not willing to pay the price of one. at what point will i be willing to seek the face of my creator for those who have no clue?
  
  i want to seek, but i can't . . . no . . . it's not that i can't . . . it's that i won't.
  
  my flesh is weak, but he is able . . .
  
  

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